Marmadoo

It took an important issue to get me blogging again. It took feeling
enraged and cheated. It took a big pile of Marmadoo.

I have only three maybe four chances a year to see a movie starring
dogs. And I don’t mean that Jennifer Anniston hogging the camera crap.
I get it, I get it. You look thirty but you’re forty…now move over so
I can see the puppy.

I also don’t expect every canine in Hollywood to be as good of an
actor as Friday from Hotel for dogs. But don’t call him Friday. His
real name is Cosmo just like that Precious girl’s name isn’t Precious…
but, Precious would be a cute name for a little girl Dacshund,
right?..( Anyway Cosmo, regarding your Oscar… you were indeed robbed.)

Now, Cosmo is undoubtedly the best actor of our time… And, if you
doubt I at least think you’ll agree he’s better than Leighton Meister.

Anyway, I let myself believe that Marmaduke would be handled with care
and love by the artists entrusted to make such an important film. But,
not so much.

I should have known when I saw the poster and Marmaduke had sunglasses
on. Really? Is he image conscious now? Is he concerned about UV rays
damaging his eyes? Did he just have laser eye surgery? Where did he
get sunglasses? Regular sunglasses don’t fit him. He’s very large. Did
he go to a novelty store or did he try a Big and Tall Man’s store? Why
does Marmaduke show us he’s cool by doing the exact same thing Tom
Cruise did in the eighties? Is Marmaduke Marmaduke or is he some lame
forty something Hollywood guy who still wants to be Tom Cruise?  Do
you even know who Marmaduke is?  Why does he talk in the movie? You know what's creepy? When dog lips move. Fortunatey, in real life that never happens because dogs don't talk...they E.S.P. Maybe
you forgot... but, he’s a large dog... not a Chatty Cathy. Easy mistake…not
really. I hate to ask this but, did you do any research? Marmaduke
isn’t a novel. It’s a cartoon. You had time. Why were you picked to
write this film? Clearly, not because you love Marmaduke… Also, not
because you love dogs. You don’t even know anything about dogs. Seriously, look into it... they can’t talk.

Anyway, congratulations Ding Dongs. You fucked up Marmaduke.
Critics panned it and my three year old nephew said you're dumbasses.
I'm paraphrasing... But, he did know that dogs don’t talk.

Here's my point...There are writers like me out there who go to
CuteOverload every day but you didn’t get me to write... What?!.. You never heard of?.. Seriously?!

CUTEOVERLOAD dumb-dumbs! Look it up! And DO NOT even think about
starting on a Cat From Outer Space re-make!