Never, Never, Never Ask (Never)

A woman I know put a little weight on recently. It was a good thing because she had been under weight so she committed to a few more sandwiches and packed on a few for health reasons. (I know, I know, I can't relate either) Anyway, a co-worker of hers asked her if she was pregnant!
Two Thoughts
1) Her co-worker HATES her.
2) NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant.
If I ran into a friend who I knew was trying to get pregnant at a baby store buying a crib... I wouldn't ask her if she was pregnant. She could be opening gifts at her baby shower... and I wouldn't ask.
If she was lying down naked and a tiny human skull was crowning out her vagina... I wouldn't ask.
Just never ask a woman if she is pregnant. NEVER!
I'm Just Saying, Penelope

If I Die... See Splenda.

I'm pretty sure Gwyneth Paltrow eats macrobiotically (super healthy). It's no surprise that she named her little girl Apple. It's like how I might name my first born Splenda.

I heart Splenda more than most boyfriends. I love it in my oatmeal along with brown sugar. I've never indulged in it strait from the package... but I've considered it. It's awesome in coffee. If enough is added it becomes a warm sweet drink with just a hint of coffee flavor. (Obviously add lots of milk or cream)
Now let's talk Crystal Light Lemonade. While others unwind at night with a sophisticated glass of merlot, I slurp down some Crystal (not the champagne). Self mixing by glass, I serve up an intense, fakey, citrusy sludge of sweet goodness. I could follow the directions on the package but I don't read manuals, follow appliance instructions or adhere to diets so why start now with rules, measurements and regulations? I make a big glass of what I call Crystal Heavy. It's like the meth of lemonades. Yum.
Anyway, the point is if I die... see Splenda. (Other alias's include Dextrose, Maltodextrin and Sucralose)
Hugs, Penelope

I Went Green and All I Got Is This Ugly Hemp T-Shirt

Isn't every day Earth Day and aren't you getting sick of it? I wouldn't mind if more of it made sense. Like last week Madonna was on the cover of Vanity Fair on the "Green Issue". First of all, I don't think Madonna is a poster girl for any thing natural and earthy. Second, Madonna you're fifty... put on your pants. Third, Vanity Fair is a magazine. Magaznes equal GIANT waste of paper. Paper is made from trees.
That's like Toxic Waste Weekly having a green issue.
Plus, Bush just did everything in his power to slow down cleaning up the environment. How come it took him five minutes to go to war with Iraq but he needs twenty years to slow down carbon emissions. The worst part is every where I turn I'm the one getting blamed.
I don't need to go green with my eye shadow. (literally and environmentally) In Style magazine quit telling me about enviro-friendly coasters and head bands. I recently read a suggestion to give one's child a green birthday party with no presents. Sounds fun! Turns out it was all the Spiderman and Princess parties that killed the earth not Dick Cheney.

Right before Earth Day my niece was over and asked if she could have an empty gum pack she saw on my table. She said for Earth Day she had to bring recyclables to school. When I asked her why, she explained that she had to bring trash to school because the Earth likes to eat trash. She said since the Earth is dirty it likes to eat dirty stuff like garbage.
I think I smell another child not left behind.