Paint This!

Hi. It's Penelope.

I was leafing through stylish magazines last night when I saw a dress that reminded me of the walls in a Fresno sports bar called Rumors.

(Please don't ask why I was there.)

The haute couture that brought about the offensive memory was a little black dress with abstract paint splashes in various neons. It's like having art on your evening wear.

It's also like wearing a gown that screams,
"Spill tapas on me, no one will ever know." (Mmm... tapas.)

Remember when people insisted they thought Uggs were adorable?
I went along with it because at least they're crazy comfortable. Never mind that as soon as the fad was over I noticed those same fans put their "cute" Uggs in the way back of the closet.

I held my tongue while people paid exhorbitant amounts for peasant blouses.
Not once did I bring up the fact that it might be the one hundred and seventy five dollar shirts that were keeping the peasants in peasantry.

The paint splashes? I'm sorry designers. This time you've gone too far.

I have a shirt with splatters on it. It's the one I wore while I painted my living room.
It's not high fashion. It's what I wear to eat barbeque or fondue alone when I'm sad. Get back to the drawing table and this time work with a pencil.

TTYL, P.

Don't Hate Me Cuz I'm Hot

I saw a magazine article about Jessica Alba where she is quoted as saying, "Don't hate me cuz I'm hot." To which I reply, "I don't. I hate you for your lame personality and crappy acting."



Then I read an article about her that said she insists she has never been lucky. She just swears up and down that her success is due to her talent being the greatest in the land.

I mention all this because... this is why I believe in God. Clearly God exists and Jessica Alba is sucking all his attention. The only thing that makes me feel better is that soon pregnant Jessica will have a baby.


One day a tiny toddler will gaze up at Ms. Alba and scream, "I hate you Mommy... And it's cuz you're hot!"

THXbye,

Penelope

Things you can get for $5

It's been a tough week. One of my political heroes Eliot Spitzer let me down by spending $4,300 on a hooker. I know he could have gotten a hooker for $150. His lack of frugality saddened me.



So, you can imagine the lift I got when I heard there is a new five dollar bill. I was all like, "Yay! There is a new five dollar bill! " I hope it has glitter on it. That would be cool. I hope if they keep Lincoln they give him a shave, some botox and a little tan.

www.kornfieldusa.com

They should put a boogie in his nose.
(Ed. I am not photoshopping a boogie into his nose.)

The first new bill will be spent in a gift shop at The Lincoln Cottage. Old Abe would have liked that. He really liked gifts. Okay, I made that up, but most people like gifts. Hey! You know what would be fun? Everybody who reads this should send me one new five dollar bill once a week. You could invite ten friends to do the same. What a good game that would be.
If you do I'll save up and buy a 150.00 hooker... maybe I'll buy two.

Shame on you Elliot!

Games

Games are fun. That's what every one thinks.

Most games aren't fun at all. Games with dice are not fun. Dice were first invented a long time ago. They are old timey like when people enjoyed rolling a wheel down the street (also not fun).

www.payvand.com

Games with cards are not fun. You will never be that surprised in a card game because before the game starts you know all the cards. Maybe if in the middle of Black Jack at Caesars Palace some said "hit me" and got the old maid or a tarot card it would be fun.

Picture by Enoch Law, 2007

Otherwise, it's the same old thing.

Games where some one throws any kind of ball or hits it with a stick or bat... not fun. That would only be fun if it was unexpected. As your boss exits powder room..."Surprise!' WHACK! (with something soft like a nerf bat).

Head games have a bad reputation but they're fun. Stick a big wedge of spinach on your front tooth and find out which one of your friends will tell you about it and which won't. Look in the mirror while the other person is with you and insist you don't see anything on your tooth. Then say, "Ohhhh, that? That's my grill. It's eco-friendly." In short, put the dice down. Maybe put them in someone's drink and insist you thought they were ice cubes.

Enjoy!

Thank You!

Thank you everyone who came out to see me in Piñata
tonight! It was a great show and I am literally floating.

It's weird. Penelope

http://www.reallyfunnypictures.co.uk

Stressed!

Hi Guys,

I am so stressed. Soooooooooooo stressed.

I got fake nails... I know, I know I'm a fancy lady.

http://www.mybeautylounge.be

Well, now I had them taken off and my nails are all gummed up. They look like I spent the weekend caulking a ginormous buliding. They aren't infected. I will not be seen on a very important episode of Dateline NBC with Elizabeth Vargas unless I decide to kill someone.

Which could happen because I'm soooooooooo stressed.

My bath tub/shower is super backed up. When I shower it's very quickly a wading situation and even though it's just my own filth I'm soaking in it feels all Katrinaish and anti-clean. Then I broke my shower head off so it's just an intense and painful spurt of water pounding on me like one of those machines work men blast stuff with. It hurts to get clean now. I'm very STRESSED.

My cat, Posey, keeps scritch scratching my sofa. This is going to put me over the edge. First of all I can't afford a new sofa right now and even if I did she'd prickle it. Everyone says it's inhumane to declaw a cat so I think I'm going to put casts on her feet. The casts will go all the way up her legs and then people can sign them.
Frankly there isn't much that's cuter than a poor lil kitty with double casts. It's pathetically cute. But, if any one finds out there's nothing wrong with her I could see people judge me... so I'm Streeeeesssssssed.

Lastly, I'm looking for a job and haven't found one, and all the sudden it occured to me... I think I'm too old to be a sex worker.

http://ladylee35.blogspot.com

I don't want to be a sex worker and honestly I think might have fewer sex skills than office skills at this point but it was always a plan B thing. Look how cool Diablo Cody is and it's totally cuz she used to be a stripper. Seriously, would here be any fuss over her if Star Magazine had a caption under her picture that read,"Diablo Cody, former insurance sales woman, wears a leopard print gown to Oscars." No there wouldn't!... Nobody would care...

Wait...I forget what I'm talking about...hmm. Oh, yeah, I'M STRESSED!

Thanks for reading. Send me candy.

Penelope

Penelope's Weight Throughout History

When I say I put on weight recently, I mean in this life-time I’m fatter than I want to be. I mean I think when I was a apothecary in the 16th century in England in a previous life I was thin… and I miss it.

I mean remember how petite I was at birth? That was sweet.

You may be imagining a space-time continuum where I just got so busy with my great job or relationship that I couldn’t go to the gym. No. Recently is just a relative concept. You know when the Big Bang happened? I consider that just a little bit ago. So naturally when I first grew feet and tippy toed on them out of the sea while exhibiting a lithe, lean swimmers body of a former fish wasn’t so long ago. When I was a totally fit monkey person doing chin ups for fun instead of for the Presidential Fitness Test seems like yesterday. When I harpooned my first Snuffaluffagus and dragged it back to my cave I was as trim as Camilla Belle in 10,000 BC. Good times!

imdb.com

Would I go back? No. Because now there are Spanx and protein shakes. Also, my hygiene is better in this life time and I will most likely not get eaten by a giant tiger.

Hunting Tiger, Mila Zinkova, 2006

Life is good, Just a little curvier.

XXXOOO,
Penelope

Musings from Penelope

Hi Guys,

Today I stumbled upon an online quiz via a train of gal related searches having to do with diets, kittens, Croatia and then some more kittens. Since what I really need is a job I decided to distract myself with a quiz about what kind of angel I would be... Not a good one. I quit on #7 because the options for what I do as an angel were all about protecting and watching people and didn't include:

1. Style my wings.
2. Understand everything going on in the TV show Lost.
3. Binge eat peeps.

So, I got back to my job search... and decided to take a quiz that would tell me why I'm single.

After honestly answering a lot of tough questions about the state of my heart and social attitudes I got my results. It turns out there is a 54% chance I'm a "douche bag."

What's in a douche bag? My fist with your name on it! (Also, powder and a lip stick) :)

Not really. Here are some of the definitions of the term...

asshole, idiot, fag, loser, moron, dumbass, jerk, tool, douche, faggot, retard, dick, bitch, jackass, cunt, homo, pussy, prick, dickhead, fucktard, queer ass, stupid, shithead, dipshit, doosh, Republican, asswipe, cocksucker, dork, twat, lame, bastard penis

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=douchebag
says...

1. douchebag n. fr. "douche", fr. French, fr. Italian "doccia"


1. An object used for vaginal hygeine

2. A student or instructor at the Carlson School of Management at the University of Minnesota Twin Cities.

1. A vaginal cleansing is simply incomplete without a proper douchebag

2. Only a douchebag would consider accounting a tough class.

I hadn't even considered that I was a douche bag. No one told me. My stupid friends told me the opposite. Liars. Okay, okay, it did occur to me once that I was a "fucktard." Just to clarify there is still a 46% chance that I'm a sweet ray of sunshine.

Until further internet research can be done I'll assume I'm a D.B. If you want, you don't even have to say the "bag" part. You could just call me plain old "douche," "douchie," or maybe "Ms. Bag" (if you want to be respectful).

Have a great day!

Penelope