Letter to my Vet

Dear Dr, 

Yesterday I brought my cat, Posey in to see you because she hurt her paw. It was a very stressful day for her... But not because of her bloody paw...mostly because you spent twenty seconds on the injury and twenty minutes ridiculing her.  First you made that "oh my back" groan when you picked her up (hilarious)! Next, you called her fat, obese, pointed out that if she were you or me she'd way 400lbs, said she had to lose half her weight and repeated "Look at her. Look at her. She's huge."over and over...I just wanted to write you this note to let you know...you had us at "fat". Got it. No need for "Talk about a fat cat!" or "Fatty catty two by four". You're not a douche you just must do best with the animals who come to your office with out an owner...you know, the street cat or random raccoon that has a cough and just decides to get a check up...and fits into size zero jeans. 

To Do List

TIVO all the shows you think, “Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to watch that.” But then you forget what they are

 

Remember what those shows are

 

Ditto for Itunes songs

 

One is that Level 42 song

 

Google Level 42 to find out if they play private parties then invite your friends to a party and have them play

 

When your friends say, “Oh My God. It’s Level 42!” Act like you never heard of them

 

Talk with your hands more

 

Look men in the eyes and don’t look away first no matter what. They for sure like that.

 

Lose fifteen pounds

 

Show up everywhere in a bikini and swear the invite said pool party

 

Figure out a real solution for oil spill…

 

…Got it! Bake giant loaves of bread… Dip Prius size bread chunks in spill… Feed to Tony Hayward.

 

Make reservation at Prizzi’s…yum.

 

Google bulk prices for flour, giant bread pans, and school bus size Ziplocs (may be listed as 100,000 gallon capacity)

 

Plan B – Ask all scientists currently brainstorming on diet pills, fillers, and erection drugs  to pretend for one day that the oil spill is as important as looking sexy and boners

 

Practice E.S.P.

 

E.S.P. host of The Bachelor, Chris Harrison, over and over with the following message. “There will never be a rose for you, fatty pants.”

 

Google Image “squirrel gets in vacation photo”…Again.

 

Not To Do List

 Don’t Google The Word Poison unless you’re dying to have Chris Cuomo or Chris Hanson interview you.

 

Don’t try to talk like a sassy black lady even if in my head it sounds like I've got it down.

 

Don’t talk at all…Just E.S.P.

 

Don’t buy any more maternity shirts just because they’re comfortable.

 

Don’t snack on Flintstones vitamins then tell people you’re eating more vegetables.

 

Don’t say “Boag” anymore…it’s not catching on.

 

Don’t send fun cards for Michael Jackson’s 1^st year death birthday.

 

Don’t talk so much with your hands. It’s not working out to look cool.

 

Don’t read Woman’s World if it depresses you that some people really do want to know “Ten Things To Do with Used Coffee Grounds”.

 

Don’t talk out loud to the little wooden animals that sit above your kitchen sink…E.S.P them.

 

 

Marmadoo

It took an important issue to get me blogging again. It took feeling
enraged and cheated. It took a big pile of Marmadoo.

I have only three maybe four chances a year to see a movie starring
dogs. And I don’t mean that Jennifer Anniston hogging the camera crap.
I get it, I get it. You look thirty but you’re forty…now move over so
I can see the puppy.

I also don’t expect every canine in Hollywood to be as good of an
actor as Friday from Hotel for dogs. But don’t call him Friday. His
real name is Cosmo just like that Precious girl’s name isn’t Precious…
but, Precious would be a cute name for a little girl Dacshund,
right?..( Anyway Cosmo, regarding your Oscar… you were indeed robbed.)

Now, Cosmo is undoubtedly the best actor of our time… And, if you
doubt I at least think you’ll agree he’s better than Leighton Meister.

Anyway, I let myself believe that Marmaduke would be handled with care
and love by the artists entrusted to make such an important film. But,
not so much.

I should have known when I saw the poster and Marmaduke had sunglasses
on. Really? Is he image conscious now? Is he concerned about UV rays
damaging his eyes? Did he just have laser eye surgery? Where did he
get sunglasses? Regular sunglasses don’t fit him. He’s very large. Did
he go to a novelty store or did he try a Big and Tall Man’s store? Why
does Marmaduke show us he’s cool by doing the exact same thing Tom
Cruise did in the eighties? Is Marmaduke Marmaduke or is he some lame
forty something Hollywood guy who still wants to be Tom Cruise?  Do
you even know who Marmaduke is?  Why does he talk in the movie? You know what's creepy? When dog lips move. Fortunatey, in real life that never happens because dogs don't talk...they E.S.P. Maybe
you forgot... but, he’s a large dog... not a Chatty Cathy. Easy mistake…not
really. I hate to ask this but, did you do any research? Marmaduke
isn’t a novel. It’s a cartoon. You had time. Why were you picked to
write this film? Clearly, not because you love Marmaduke… Also, not
because you love dogs. You don’t even know anything about dogs. Seriously, look into it... they can’t talk.

Anyway, congratulations Ding Dongs. You fucked up Marmaduke.
Critics panned it and my three year old nephew said you're dumbasses.
I'm paraphrasing... But, he did know that dogs don’t talk.

Here's my point...There are writers like me out there who go to
CuteOverload every day but you didn’t get me to write... What?!.. You never heard of?.. Seriously?!

CUTEOVERLOAD dumb-dumbs! Look it up! And DO NOT even think about
starting on a Cat From Outer Space re-make!

Never, Never, Never Ask (Never)

A woman I know put a little weight on recently. It was a good thing because she had been under weight so she committed to a few more sandwiches and packed on a few for health reasons. (I know, I know, I can't relate either) Anyway, a co-worker of hers asked her if she was pregnant!
Two Thoughts
1) Her co-worker HATES her.
2) NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant.
If I ran into a friend who I knew was trying to get pregnant at a baby store buying a crib... I wouldn't ask her if she was pregnant. She could be opening gifts at her baby shower... and I wouldn't ask.
If she was lying down naked and a tiny human skull was crowning out her vagina... I wouldn't ask.
Just never ask a woman if she is pregnant. NEVER!
I'm Just Saying, Penelope

If I Die... See Splenda.

I'm pretty sure Gwyneth Paltrow eats macrobiotically (super healthy). It's no surprise that she named her little girl Apple. It's like how I might name my first born Splenda.

I heart Splenda more than most boyfriends. I love it in my oatmeal along with brown sugar. I've never indulged in it strait from the package... but I've considered it. It's awesome in coffee. If enough is added it becomes a warm sweet drink with just a hint of coffee flavor. (Obviously add lots of milk or cream)
Now let's talk Crystal Light Lemonade. While others unwind at night with a sophisticated glass of merlot, I slurp down some Crystal (not the champagne). Self mixing by glass, I serve up an intense, fakey, citrusy sludge of sweet goodness. I could follow the directions on the package but I don't read manuals, follow appliance instructions or adhere to diets so why start now with rules, measurements and regulations? I make a big glass of what I call Crystal Heavy. It's like the meth of lemonades. Yum.
Anyway, the point is if I die... see Splenda. (Other alias's include Dextrose, Maltodextrin and Sucralose)
Hugs, Penelope

I Went Green and All I Got Is This Ugly Hemp T-Shirt

Isn't every day Earth Day and aren't you getting sick of it? I wouldn't mind if more of it made sense. Like last week Madonna was on the cover of Vanity Fair on the "Green Issue". First of all, I don't think Madonna is a poster girl for any thing natural and earthy. Second, Madonna you're fifty... put on your pants. Third, Vanity Fair is a magazine. Magaznes equal GIANT waste of paper. Paper is made from trees.
That's like Toxic Waste Weekly having a green issue.
Plus, Bush just did everything in his power to slow down cleaning up the environment. How come it took him five minutes to go to war with Iraq but he needs twenty years to slow down carbon emissions. The worst part is every where I turn I'm the one getting blamed.
I don't need to go green with my eye shadow. (literally and environmentally) In Style magazine quit telling me about enviro-friendly coasters and head bands. I recently read a suggestion to give one's child a green birthday party with no presents. Sounds fun! Turns out it was all the Spiderman and Princess parties that killed the earth not Dick Cheney.

Right before Earth Day my niece was over and asked if she could have an empty gum pack she saw on my table. She said for Earth Day she had to bring recyclables to school. When I asked her why, she explained that she had to bring trash to school because the Earth likes to eat trash. She said since the Earth is dirty it likes to eat dirty stuff like garbage.
I think I smell another child not left behind.