Never, Never, Never Ask (Never)

A woman I know put a little weight on recently. It was a good thing because she had been under weight so she committed to a few more sandwiches and packed on a few for health reasons. (I know, I know, I can't relate either) Anyway, a co-worker of hers asked her if she was pregnant!
Two Thoughts
1) Her co-worker HATES her.
2) NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant.
If I ran into a friend who I knew was trying to get pregnant at a baby store buying a crib... I wouldn't ask her if she was pregnant. She could be opening gifts at her baby shower... and I wouldn't ask.
If she was lying down naked and a tiny human skull was crowning out her vagina... I wouldn't ask.
Just never ask a woman if she is pregnant. NEVER!
I'm Just Saying, Penelope

If I Die... See Splenda.

I'm pretty sure Gwyneth Paltrow eats macrobiotically (super healthy). It's no surprise that she named her little girl Apple. It's like how I might name my first born Splenda.

I heart Splenda more than most boyfriends. I love it in my oatmeal along with brown sugar. I've never indulged in it strait from the package... but I've considered it. It's awesome in coffee. If enough is added it becomes a warm sweet drink with just a hint of coffee flavor. (Obviously add lots of milk or cream)
Now let's talk Crystal Light Lemonade. While others unwind at night with a sophisticated glass of merlot, I slurp down some Crystal (not the champagne). Self mixing by glass, I serve up an intense, fakey, citrusy sludge of sweet goodness. I could follow the directions on the package but I don't read manuals, follow appliance instructions or adhere to diets so why start now with rules, measurements and regulations? I make a big glass of what I call Crystal Heavy. It's like the meth of lemonades. Yum.
Anyway, the point is if I die... see Splenda. (Other alias's include Dextrose, Maltodextrin and Sucralose)
Hugs, Penelope

I Went Green and All I Got Is This Ugly Hemp T-Shirt

Isn't every day Earth Day and aren't you getting sick of it? I wouldn't mind if more of it made sense. Like last week Madonna was on the cover of Vanity Fair on the "Green Issue". First of all, I don't think Madonna is a poster girl for any thing natural and earthy. Second, Madonna you're fifty... put on your pants. Third, Vanity Fair is a magazine. Magaznes equal GIANT waste of paper. Paper is made from trees.
That's like Toxic Waste Weekly having a green issue.
Plus, Bush just did everything in his power to slow down cleaning up the environment. How come it took him five minutes to go to war with Iraq but he needs twenty years to slow down carbon emissions. The worst part is every where I turn I'm the one getting blamed.
I don't need to go green with my eye shadow. (literally and environmentally) In Style magazine quit telling me about enviro-friendly coasters and head bands. I recently read a suggestion to give one's child a green birthday party with no presents. Sounds fun! Turns out it was all the Spiderman and Princess parties that killed the earth not Dick Cheney.

Right before Earth Day my niece was over and asked if she could have an empty gum pack she saw on my table. She said for Earth Day she had to bring recyclables to school. When I asked her why, she explained that she had to bring trash to school because the Earth likes to eat trash. She said since the Earth is dirty it likes to eat dirty stuff like garbage.
I think I smell another child not left behind.

Dems are Dumb

I'm mostly surrounded by politically liberal people and I include myself in that group. The thing is I myself am noticing that we liberals don't really know anything. Now, someone may read this and say, "Well, I'll bet conservatives don't know exactly what John McCain's plan is for bringing more accountability to Washington." (See Keating 5). But, I'm not talking about conservatives. We already know a lot of their convictions are based on fairy tales (see Creationism).
My question is why are we liberals so - "Hey look, my earrings are environmentally friendly... What are earmarks? Are they those ridiculously large holes people put in their ears?” (See not attractive)
My friend is radiating Obama drama night and day. - "He's all about change! We need change!" By the way, last time I prayed for change my garage door broke. (See next time I'll be more specific) So, I ask her to tell me about some of the specific changes Barack wants to implement. (See how to piss off your friend) She tells me I have to go to the website. "I will." I say, "but, since I have you here now why don't you explain a few?" She again directs me to the website. It quickly becomes clear to me... She hasn't read the website. She did catch him on Ellen and thinks he dances funny and it's cool that he is part black and part white. (See Snoopy)
Honestly, I myself can't finish an article in the New Yorker. (By New Yorker I mean Glamour) So, you can imagine how daunting this website is. CuteOverload it is not. (See Cuteoverload.com...seriously!)
First of all the website is powered by Hope. (See alternative energy sources). Next, most of his intentions do sound pretty good to me. They sound very much like he is constantly embracing opposites. Leave Iraq within sixteen months but stay if Al Queda comes in, secure the boarders but be welcoming to immigrants.
Maybe I know less now than before I read the website. I guess I know a few things. What scares me is that there are people who know even less. (See George Bush)
Hugs, Penelope

I Hate Babies

You may have noticed that occasionally in my musings on anything from politics to pie I will create an opportunity to, with some wit, hurl an insult at babies.

Just for the record, no joke, I don't like babies. My animus for babies started when I first met one. An adoring circle of intelligent adults surrounded what I can only describe as a pooping and crying machine (with admittedly a lot of future potential). When asked if I wanted to hold the baby I responded, "NO", which was interpreted as, " Oh yes! Please!" Here's a note to parents that you may want to use later with your three year old... You know what no means...



Truly, I don't want to hold your baby. Babies don't melt my heart. They're amoebas whose only skill is sucking. I like bigots more than babies. at least bigots are expressive. I mean Mel Gibson has made a few good movies. Think of how crappy all those Lethal Weapon movies would have been if a two month old had played Mel's part or been 1987's sexiest man alive.

Puppies are adorable, fish are pretty and that little polar cub Flocke may someday brutally maul his human care givers but for now he's all sweetness.

Did you ever ponder the fact that God made women's oxytotocin surge as soon as they have a baby. Even God knows that the mom is going to need the baby to provide an oxycontin type fix in order to love it.
God's only son had all his diapers changed by Mary and Joseph. Maybe God doesn't like babies.
Have I gone too far?
Who cares? Babies can't read or retaliate. (I am afraid of mothers.) So, I'll end with these three points.

1) I do like from toddler on.
2) Old people are kinda cute.
3) I reserve the right to take all this back when I have my own baby.

Things I Learned Today

1) Grown men should never skip. If you're on a reality show and you need to express happiness ask the producers if you could just smile or naw on a bone.

2) Indian food smells good at a restaurant. No body likes when I smell like indian food.


3) Burrows are superior to Donkeys as pack animals because of their ability to use water more slowly and efficiently.


4) Nodding while someone else is talking is the secret to being well liked.

5) Transferring to soy milk is easiest if I start with chocolate soy milk.

6) Witnessing the TV show Men In Trees jump the shark is like watching Jumping The Shark jump the shark.

7) Head boards can be expensive. Scoot your bed up to the wall. It's free.

8) Just because I'm wearing my "Good" tennis shoes doesn't mean I'm dressed up.


9) Collin Ferrel and Oscar the Grouch have the same eyebrows but Oscar has a better personality.

10) Conservatives insist canadian health care is horrible but Canadians have a higher life expectancy than Americans.

11) In related news, if you're from Angola, live it up. Life is short.

Puff n' Stuff

Ladies often ask me, “ Should I wear puffy sleeves?”
Well, is there any chance you’re talking about a lederhosen situation? Before I scold, are you presently drunk and at an Oktoberfest? If so, you may have bigger problems than the size of your sleeves.
So…“No!” to lederhosen or any form of suspenders. It was only cute when Mork did it because he was from another planet just like Larry King.
The word “Puffy” brings some bad stuff to mind such as Daniel Baldwin and also a name so bad a grown man would switch it for “P.Diddy”.
As far as fashion goes, yes, you can wear these sleeves but only if they have just a whisper of puff not a big toke.
If you have broad shoulders, you can wear only a hint of puff.
If you have a short neck… also, teeny puff.
If you are Amish, any puff is offensive to God.
Pear shaped? Bring on the puff. It will even out your womanly hips. Go for dark or saturated colors. Don’t pair puffed sleeves with bows or floral prints unless you are Hello Kitty and you’re going to a party with your BF Dear Daniel.
Hugs, P.Lo